Here’s a question-and-answer post that originated on my Gifts and Etiquette website. Given that June is prime wedding season, I thought the frugal folks here would appreciate this information.
Q: What’s the deal with wedding gifts? How much do I have to spend, what’s the best gift to buy and what happens if I can’t attend the wedding?
A: Funny you should ask this question: I just came across a recent Associated Press-Brides.com survey that answers all of these questions and more.
For starters, the most popular price point for a wedding gift is $100 to $199, trailed by the more frugal range of $50 to $75. (In my mind the frugal range is more appropriate for shower gifts than wedding gifts. But that’s just me.)
Still, there seems to be a disconnect on whether or not giving gifts is obligatory. Most respondents (70%) thought that the bride and groom should not expect a gift from all their wedding guests. In contrast, nearly the same number (63%) also said they would feel obligated to send a gift, even if they weren’t attending the wedding.
In addition, celebrations leading up to the “walk down the aisle” inspired less frequent gift-giving, with only 10 percent purchasing something for the engagement party and 37 percent for the bridal shower.
Generational differences play a part in whether or not a gift is deemed necessary. Older people are much more likely to say the couple should expect a gift than younger people (35% of those age 65 and older vs. 24% of those under 30). In addition, almost three quarters (72%) of seniors say they would feel obligated to send a gift even if they didn’t attend the wedding, compared with just half (53%) of those under 30.
When posed with a hypothetical scenario where someone was invited to a wedding but couldn’t afford to buy the kind of gift they felt the couple would expect, the most popular solution among respondents would be to attend the wedding but buy a less expensive gift – 42% said they were very likely to do that. Relatively few said they would attend the wedding but not give any gift at all, and even fewer said they would make up an excuse to avoid attending the wedding. People were slightly more likely to say they would buy the more expensive gift even if they couldn’t really afford it than they were likely to decline the wedding invitation and tell the couple reason why.
These findings seem right on target with my thinking about wedding gifts, except for the not getting a gift idea. I would NEVER show up to a wedding empty handed. How could anyone do that in good conscience?
READ LEAH ON HOME GOES STRONG
Leah, One of the best pieces of advice we got at the Frugal Yankee was from our good friend jodi Smith at MannerSmith.com. She said, “A wedding invitation is not an invoice.” Simply, a wedding gift should be a thoughtful gift that works within your own budget. Computing a value of the gift diminishes what the gift is meant to be – a celebration of a life event.
You are correct that a wedding invitation is not an invoice. But the most common question I get at my Gifts and Etiquette website is, “How much should I spend on a wedding gift?” I figured that by providing a ball park, people would find that helpful.
But I do agree with your assessment that you should spend what you feel comfortable spending. Nonetheless, people continue to ask how much they should spend and, well, we could just go round and round in circles on the topic. Thanks for your comment.
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Great post! The one thing that is sorely missing is the huge, huge, huge regional differences in weddings! On the East Coast EVERYTHING is more expensive and I assume this is why you feel a $50-75 gift is too low even for a frugal person. Here in the Midwest that is average to high.
If you go to smaller towns, that is crazy high.
So my “matrix” would first be:
What region are you in
What size town are your guests from (they don’t over or under gift based on the destination but on where THEY are from)
What socioeconomic level are most of your guests?
I got some very nice things for my wedding from people who had the money, and I got a group gift of a scale we had registered for from very small town people. It was all gratefully accepted.
Elizabeth:
You make an excellent point. We lived in the Midwest for a number of years, and you’re right–the different between what is considered “normal” for spending on a wedding gift on the East Coast was way more than what was considered “normal” spending on wedding gifts in the Midwest. I like your matrix idea!
Leah
Leah, I just blogged about that article, as well. And I’d love to have your frugal self as a guest on my bridal website, http://www.GettingMarriedonLongIsland.com, one day soon….
Leah: I don’t think you answered one part of the question. What is the best gift to buy. I think its best to stick to items the couple has registered for. If no registry, then its free game – but I’ve had friends who have gotten duplicate items when not registered. If there is nothing left on the registry in your price range, I think its fine to give the couple money or a gift card to one of the places they have registered. What are your thoughts/experiences?
Also, similar to a regional gift giving matrix, I think the same can be said for age. I wouldn’t necessarily expect a 24 year old guest to have as large of a budget as someone who is more settled into their career/life.
Just let me know when you’d like a guest blog. I’d be happy to send some copy your way!
Jenna:
Fair enough. I think the best wedding gift you can give is one you can afford AND which makes sense for the age/regional matrix.
On the coasts and big cities, where money is expected, that’s what you should give. I’ve given everything from $150 to $500 as a cash gift for a wedding, based on how well I knew the person.
If you live in a place where material goods are expected, finding someone “substantial” off the registry is a good bet. If you can’t afford a big gift, go in with a few other people so that together, you can give a big gift and not spend a lot of money in the process.
Hope that helps.
Leah
[...] For starters, the most popular price point for a wedding gift is $100 to $199, trailed by the more frugal range of $50 to $75. (In my mind the frugal range is more appropriate for shower gifts than wedding gifts. But that’s just me.) … Wedding Gift [...]
I agree that the most important is to give a gift you can afford. In addition, I pride myself on spending time finding the RIGHT gift, and then am not concerned if it is less than I had intended to spend.
I like to look over the bride and groom’s registry and then pick out something personal that goes with their style and color choices. They will remember who gave them the unusual pottery piece,. but not who gave them two plates of their china.
I’ve become increasingly alarmed by the over-the-top wedding machine. The daughter of a dear friend was recently married – it was an incredibly extravagant affair that was the usual months in planning. Even year ago, that level of consumption was borderline appalling. With the economy where it is now, I’m hoping people will become more sensible with their wedding plans. For the young friends of the bride & groom, weddings can be huge financial liabilities (some of these kids who are in the wedding party go into debt to pay for bridesmaids dresses, the shower, bachelorette/bachelor party, transportation, hotels and gifts). One thought that can reduce individual expense is to organize one fabulous gift from the wedding party (in my day it was typically a piece of sterling silver inscribed with the date and signatures of all the wedding party members). A family heirloom – Grandma’s silver ladle, a copy of a treasured photograh in a nice frame, a special piece of china or a small piece of furniture might be the ideal gift for a couple who cherish family tradition. Something hand made is also appropriate – a hand-crocheted throw, a piece of pottery that you have painted or hand-etched glass globets for example – have special warmth. I don’t think it’s ever appropriate for a wedding guest to spend more than they can afford for a gift. The well-meaning bride and groom have invited you for your presence at their big event, not your present.
I wouldn’t ever show up to a wedding without a gift, and I’m sure the bride and groom wouldn’t mind a gift that wasn’t in that price range of $100. I know my friend who is getting married has asked for some help finding some Chicago Wedding Bands since I know of some good ones. I found a few options for her that match her theme of the wedding. She told me that I didn’t need to get her a gift since I helped find a band, but I can’t come to the wedding empty handed. Especially when I’m more than happy to help her out whenever she needs it. I think a gift is necessary, but it doesn’t have to be expensive as long as it’s thoughtful and useful.